Lingering In The Doorway

2011-11-06T01:54:00.002-04:00

I should have just gone to work tonight. It's obvious he doesn't want me around. I'm sorry my head and neck and shoulder have hurt for a month now. You think I butcher all the time you don't know the half of it. You ain't heard me bitch. And I don't have a fucking attitude. I can fucking show you an attitude. You always assume you know everything but you don't. And you wonder why I don't tell you shit. You wonder why u think you are always mad at me. Thanks for showing me your real self.

2011-03-18T23:49:00.001-04:00

I feel like crying. I'm not a cry baby. Just lonely and missing my friends and family. I can explain this emptiness inside. I don't know how to describe the way I am feeling. I wish someone understood. Oh well

2011-02-10T21:37:00.002-05:00

Its nights like tonight when I wish I wasn't so far from home. My sweet baby sister was asked out tonight. I feel so left out of their lives. I might as well be disowned or something.

Oh well.

2011-02-03T21:28:00.001-05:00

I miss my family.

The End.

To live life to the fullest...

2011-01-30T03:16:00.003-05:00

Let me start by saying that I was going to go through and remove lot of the old posts on here but I couldn't bring myself to do it. So they shall remain. Just know that I have changed a lot of the past couple of years that I have posted on this blog. Maybe they will give you some insight into who I am and what my past looks like. Anyway. This is the post I wrote for tonights blog...

There are always things that need to be spoken. There are always going to be truths that are left unsaid but the question is, can you live with them in your head?
I always say its that you have changed but...could it really be that I changed and you stayed the same? Sadly the answers stay with you and we no longer speak.
Moving was the best thing I could have done. I managed to out run my ghosts - but I also abandoned the small shreds of happiness that I still had. I have to be honest, I am not always the happiest person and I am depressed sometimes. I do get lonely and I do get clingy but over all I am happy with my life right now. I have goals now that I didn't have, I know where I want to be in 5 years. I want my life to count for something, even if that something is gone the day after I die. I want to know that I made a difference in someones life even if its just my own.
There are point of my life from before that I want back. I had thought they were lost to me. Part of a painful past I was perfectly happy to leave smothered and suppressed. But I am realizing that I can't move on with my life until I come to terms with the past. Much of it still hurts and I still cry sometimes but thats ok. I don't need closure. I just need to accept it as part of who I aam and what has shaped me - for the better or worse - into who I am today. I can't control what happens to me and I can't predict the future but I can control how I respond. I don't want to live as a hermit and I don't want to live life waiting for it to fall in my lap. I want to live every day to its fullest. I want to learn from my past, not forget or regret it.

2010-12-24T02:57:00.001-05:00

I hate looking into your eyes and seeing the loathing. I cant take the self hatred and guilt you pile on. Just blame me and go on with life. I am used to that. Its ok. I am trying to show you that I am ok. I dont understand why you arent. Maybe I am childish or sold out to the devil but I really dont see that it was wrong. If you feel as though it was then ok. But people make mistakes. We all have to learn to move on. I said I am sorry and I am. Not because of what we did but because it ended this way. Please try not to hate yourself. Know I love you and always will

2010-12-12T02:08:00.002-05:00

I give up.

I hate crying.

I hate people that have to argue all the time.

I hate people that have no respect for other people or their backgrounds.

I hate people that live their lives completely oblivious to everyone else around them.

I hate being here.

I hate people that act like they know what they are talking about when they don't.

I hate crying.

I give up.

2010-11-06T23:26:00.001-04:00

I know it doesnt mean a thing honey but I cried cried for you and I know you wouldnt have told nobody if I died. Died for you...

2010-10-31T22:59:00.001-04:00

I am finding Oklahoma to be very....lonely.

Godly wisedom By Nardia Mikel Oazrk II monday morning

2010-08-30T12:38:00.001-04:00

-What is wisedom?
-How do I get it?
-where do I need it most as a christian woman?

How the wise woman has a close relationship to the almighty wisedom giver

Prov. 14:1-3, 5-8 - What am I building and what am I using to build it?
Prov. 8:11
2 Cor. 1:7-12

The word of God is the only source of Godly wisedom
Ps.90:12
Just ask and wisedom will be given to you

-Acceptance by God
Is there anything in my life that is hindering me from having a close relationship with God and keeping me from receiving wisedom?

-Access to the throne of Grace
do I live a life of constant communication in prayer with God? How often do I just enjoy Christ and tell Him I love Him?

-Authority of the Word of God
the words of the Bible have power
~accept it as the inpired Word of God 2 Tim 3:16
~be faithful in reading it Ps.119:20
~recieve and consider it carefully what impact does it have on my life? James 1:25
~Do what it says James 1:22 2 Cor. 2:9 1 Sam. 15:21

Godly wisedom By Nardia Mikel Oazrk II monday morning

2010-08-30T12:36:00.001-04:00

-What is wisedom?
-How do I get it?
-where do I need it most as a christian woman?

How the wise woman has a close relationship to the almighty wisedom giver

Prov. 14:1-3, 5-8 - What am I building and what am I using to build it?
Prov. 8:11
2 Cor. 1:7-12

The word of God is the only source of Godly wisedom
Ps.90:12
Just ask and wisedom will be given to you

-Acceptance by God
Is there anything in my life that is hindering me from having a close relationship with God and keeping me from receiving wisedom?
-Access to the throne of Grace

The person of the Lord Jesus by bushra mikel ozark 2 sunday morning

2010-08-30T12:34:00.001-04:00

THE ark on the Lord
Christ's presence amoung His People

Ex. 15:1-2; 25:1-2, 8-9, John 1:1-2, 14

The Ark of the Covenant
(Ex. 5:10-16)
I. The Ark as a type of Christ
-first item described
-the person of Christ
II. Names given to the ark
-the ark of testimony
-The ark of the covenant
-the ark of the Lord of all the earth Josh. 3:11,13 1 Sam. 7:1
-the ark of God 1 Sam. 3:3; 4:11
III. Materials of the ark
-acacia wood: the humanity of Christ
~incorruptible wood heb. 7:2
~can grow even in the desert Is. 53:1-2
-pure gold: the deity of Christ
~use of the word pure
~divine glory
~divine righteousness
~preciousness of Christ
IV. Contents of the ark
V. Employment of the Ark and its placement
VI. Movements of the Ark

hristian relationships by Bushra Mikel ozark two saturday evening

2010-08-30T12:33:00.001-04:00

How then should we live?
eph. 5:6-9; 1 Peter 2:9-12; Phil 2:12-15; Ezek. 3:10-
1. Effective leadership in the home.

A. Scriptural ref. - Ps.127:1-5; ps. 128:3; Ps. 144:12; 2 Tim. 3:15
Children are thought of as stewardship gifts from God.

B. Marks of a christian home
-leadership Gen. 18:19
-Light Ex. 10:23
-The word Deut. 11:18-21
-An Undivided Unit Ex. 10:8-11
-Hospitality Heb. 13:2

C. The foundation of the christian home (the christian marriage)
-the divine instition Gen. 2:24
-The real bond(man and woman) Matt. 19:6
-the most solemn step
-the unequal yoke 2 Cor. 6:14
-in the Lord 1 Cor. 7:39
-in His will Gen. 24:14, Prov. 3:

D. A Unique Relationship
Eph. 5:30-32
-The added demension
-headship and submission
-the united front

2010-08-26T20:36:00.002-04:00

Is it wrong that I just want a friend to talk to? And yeah I know there are people out there that I can talk to but I want a friend that I can be completely open and honest with, one without judgement who is willing to listen to and discuss anything on my mind without making me feel dumb or like I am taking up their time or boring them...idk maybe I am expecting to much from people but I've had that kind of friend before in the past...idk I miss it.

2010-08-15T21:12:00.003-04:00

so this post is going to sound like a lot of ranting and raving and self pity and blah but...I don't mean it too. Ok I do mean it too but its just because I need to get this all out and I'm not really sure where else to do it.

I am sick of not knowing anyone here. I'm sick of having nothing better to do then sit around in my room and hope that someone else's life sucks enough for them to have nothing to do and happen to get on and then hope that we can actually have a conversation past the "hi how are yous".

I hate how you can be gone for a week and a half with limited to no cell reception and very small windows of time in which to check your phone and suddenly everyone you used to talk to regularly has suddenly forgotten about you and moved on and suddenly have nothing to say to you.

I hate how someone can claim to be your best friend, get a bf and get engaged and no longer have time to talk to you and never has anything to say to you and never has the time to listen when you need someone but still expects you to be there for them when they have a fight. But yet you still have to be the same best friend you've always been or they have a melt down. Nevermind the fact that you can't confront them or they get mad and you can't be busy and unable to answer the phone or they get mad.

I hate it when my roomies fight. And I hate it when they blow up on me for no reason. I have no idea what is going on. I didn't sign up to be their "best friend" or to hang out with them every single minute I have free. I signed up to move in and pay rent and split the bills. I hate all the yelling and anger and I hate feeling like I have to avoid people.

*sigh* oh well

Reaching For the Future

2010-01-08T19:50:00.002-05:00

I can't believe its 2010. lets do some flash backs...

2005 - I was a junior in high school. Very depressed and Very unsure about life and what I was gonna do next

2000 - I turned 11 and still lived a completely happy (ok not completely..) life in Missouri fairly free of cares

1995 - I was what...7? wow that seems like ages ago...most of those years were a blur...I had three sisters and lived in Missouri.

1990 - What can I say I was three years old. The youngest of three girls and completely unaware of anything else lol

1988 - I was born. haha

jumping back to the present -

2010 - I am currently living in OKC. I live 700+ miles from my family and most of my friends are about that far away too. I work at a school (this is my third year teaching) teaching 18 four year olds according to the Montessori Method.

I realized recently that I have never actually really set "New Years Resolutions" for myself. Mostly because I have always considered them pointless and felt as if I was just setting myself up for more failure which is the last thing I want in my life because I already feel like I fail at almost (if not) everything. But this year I have decided to set some "goals" if you will that aren't something you "complete" or "fail" at. So here we go...

I am determined to keep working on my story. I will not quit writing it because I get frustrated. And I refuse to continue feeling that it is pointless. That story means a lot to me and has become a large part of my life since I started writing it last year. Some things I'd like to see happen with it -
- I would like to draw out the synesthesia that the main character has more then I have
- I would like to see the number of people reading it grow beyond just my close friends
- I would like to completely at least three more chapters before the end of this year

I am determined to work on myself esteem and depression. It is much better then it has been in the past but it is still something I struggle with a lot. There are still things in my life I need to deal with, let go and move past.
- I would like to continue working on my relationship with my parents and the boundaries that I need to set there.
- I would like to meet new people here that I can hang out with, preferably christians that can help encourage and build me up in my walk with the Lord

I am also determind to get in to school and actually start this year. I have decided that Vocal performance is what I want to do and I am going to reach for that dream.
- I would love to get into UCO's modern music school
- I do not want to take out a loan to do so. I want to be able to pay for it or get a scholarship

there. now to get out there and reach for the stars...

whatever you want to call it

2009-12-15T23:03:00.002-05:00

so I just need to blog. I have no idea what about. I know its been forever since I updated but no one really keeps track of this anymore. I don't even keep track of it anymore.

Things here are still going fairly good. Ya know. Just the normal ups and downs and unexpectedness that life is constantly dishing out. I am learning to like having nothing to do after work and no friends to hang out with. It means that I am getting to sleep a lot more haha

Work has been slightly stressful. It was better for a while but this week the other teacher and I have been setting up the room we will be teaching in in January and its frustrating me because we don't have an of the teaching materials we need. You should have seen the room. I wish I had taken before and after pictures. It is FULL of left over junk from other people so mostly we have been sorting and throwing way and trying to find SOMETHING we can use...so far not so good. I feel like we've got nothing done because there is nothing to set the shelves with so in my mind they aren't complete. It drives me nuts to not feel like we are accomplishing anything. Oh well. We SHOULD have the materials we need by January 4th when we start teaching in there. But we only have two days to finish before we both have to be in the other building to teach over Christmas "break".

yeah so I guess thats most of what is bothering me.

WONDERFULNESSSSSSSSSS

2009-08-31T20:27:00.000-04:00

Two great things hahaha

I signed a lease on an apartment!! woohooo yay me! lol

AND

My friend is dj-ing again!!!! :D!!!!!!!

and Slayer has some wonderful news for everybody : D

lol

good news...

2009-08-28T23:55:00.002-04:00

so tonights blog shouldn't be as depressing as my last few. I have some excellent/exciting news! I have a job!!! I applied on wednesday at a montessori school (same kind of school that I worked at at home for two years) and was told that they wanted me but it was only a part time position and I really needed full time. Yesterday I went in and spent an hour working with a teacher in a classroom and again before leaving told them that I would love to work things out with them but really needed full time employment. Thinking that that was settled and over with (quite sadly) I went on with my evening thinking that that job was no longer a possibility. Much to my surprise I received a phone call from them this morning stating that they wanted me so much that they made a full time position for me. I was shocked and could hardly believe it. I went again this afternoon and met with the owner, signed all the papers and gave permission for my background/employment checks and have been told that I will be starting as soon as they get those back which should be no later then monday!!!

: )

2009-08-27T23:52:00.001-04:00

I am a failure.
I feel like I have failed at life somehow in someway that I will never be able to make up for. Time and time again I have strived for something and failed to achieve it. I mean look at me. I am not smart or pretty or skinny or good for anything at all. I have no self esteem at all. But what is there worth having self esteem about? I dont mean anything to anyone nor am I important or vital to have around. I am tired of struggling and fighting against myself and pretending to be something I'm not...there isn't anything I despise more then a false front and mask woren by a person and yet that is excately what I do.
depression hurts. It hurts like hell but what hurts worse is knowing that the reasons you are depressed are your own fault. And that try as you might you probably wont be able to change them.
I am a failure. I know that I am. And I cant change it.

2009-08-27T18:36:00.002-04:00

do my friends really hate me this much? I thought I had a lot of friends but I really feel alone right now. No one is really interested in talking to me and I have no one to hang out with and no way to relieve the tension and stress.

Did I do this to myself by always being "busy"? I just wish I could text people and have more then a three text conversation...I guess I got so used to talking to Slayer all the time that I didn't realize how much I was texting and how much I would miss it.

*sigh*

oh well. at least I pretty much have the job at sprint. I think I am going to take it no matter what shift they offer me.

2009-08-27T08:13:00.002-04:00

Is this a new beginning? Or is it just a huge mistake?

Fighting

2009-08-27T00:06:00.001-04:00

Today has been so frustrating. I am really stressed out and so is my mom and we started out the day by fighting. Fighting about jobs and fighting about apartments and its been that way all day. Tonight its fighting about whether or not I should be the one to take her to the airport at 5:30 tomorrow morning. I dont understand why we are even discussing it. I am the daughter I will be twelve hours away. I probably wont see her until thanksgiving and she downt want me to take her to the airport?! I am kind of hurt and offended really.

I have an interview tomorrow at ten am at sprint to do customer support. I am actually kind of excited about this job and really hope I would be able to start monday so that I can move ahead on the apartment. Who knows?

I feel like God really hates me right now because nothing is working out no matter what I do...things always start to work out and then dont. Its been this way for two years now and I really dont understand at all..

Im running out of room

life in general

2009-08-25T19:22:00.003-04:00

so this blog is very quickly becoming my place to vent and let everything out..which is fine as long a people don't mind listening to me complain. ha. not that anyone reads this blog anymore. I am so so so so so incredibly frustrated with trying to find a job. I found the cutest apartment in the world that I would really love to get but I have to have the stupid job first. grrrr. It makes my head hurt. My mother thinks I should be doing office work but I have no clue about office work and its not something I am even interested in trying to do.

idk maybe I am being to picky about it but I just want a job that pays will and that I will actually enjoy. I like physical labor. I like to push myself physically and mentally and office work just won't do that for me. I just want a job and an apartment right now. I have no patience for this kind of thing and I am tired and crabby.

I am super lonely right now. I miss talking to my friends all the time. But everyone has started moving on with life and college and stuff...idk I just wish I could text pepole and have them actually text me back and realize that I'm not happy all the time like I pretend to be...its hard though because I don't want to burden anyone...

*sigh* back to the job hunt...

2009-08-12T13:15:00.004-04:00

so I'm sitting here, at my desk, in my room which is in the chaos of being packed up to move and it is suddenly hitting me that yet again I am not going to college this fall....how many years has it been since I graduated high school...two? *sigh* its so depressing to yet again think that something isn't gonna work out...what was the plan? One year off working and then get into College of the Ozarks...didn't happen. Work another school year and get into Grace...nope to expensive...but hey at least I got accepted that time! And audition and got accepted to the music program...but hey colleges think you should be made of money and I'm not...so plan C - school in Oklahoma...got accepted, enrolled in classes, got hit with some hidden fees and found out that I couldn't really afford that either so now the plan is to move and just work again...

*sigh*

Tryin' to keep up

2009-07-30T16:46:00.002-04:00

So its been a really long time since I actually blogged about something important. So I'm kinda gonna do that now...sorta. First let me say that I made my blog private a while back but I have changed that again. Secondly for those of you who haven't been able to keep up with me I am moving to Oklahoma to go to college. I am leaving the 14th but will be gone all of this next week in missouri trying to chill out some and hang with some friends.

My life of late has been very crazy and stressful. I didn't even know for sure that I had been accepted to University of Central Oklahoma until last Saturday. I didn't apply to go until a month ago. Yeah yeah I know moving away from Indiana has always been my dream but I did kinda want more notice then this lol.

To date I have a total of 5 blogs that I try to use on a semi regular basis.
www.jackthegirl.blogspot.com is the one I use the most because I that is where I post the story I am writing.
www.lingeringinthedoorway.blogspot.com is this blog - my "personal" blog
www.silentwritings.blogspot.com is the blog that I post my other writings on - mostly random poems, usually kinda depressing but eh. its life.
www.pics-by-jen24.blogspot.com is the blog that I post my photos on - if I've seen you or taken pictures with you recently you might seen them on there : )
and www.music-colorsynesthete.blogspot.com is my last blog.

While I will be living in Oklahoma (for the next four years or more) this and fb will probably be the best way to keep track of me. I am terrible at remembering to write emails but I do use IM a lot (just as me for one, I use gmail, yahoo, msn, and aim).

I know this sounds like a really rambly blog about how to keep up with me but thats because I get lonely a lot and I don't want to lose contact with my friends. I will be coming back here and visiting as I can and probably traveling to visit those of you who will be closer to me now as well.

755 miles...

2009-06-16T22:47:00.002-04:00

so I drove 755 miles (11 hours 44 minutes) the past two days from my house (Indy) to oklahoma (OKC). In the car I just bought 5 days ago. I am working as a nanny/helper/doing whatever person for some friends of ours for 4 weeks. Its been tons of fun so far. I'm pretty tired though and will probably be going to bed between 10 and 11 the whole time I'm here. I hoping to make it a habit. Thats one of the things I've been trying to work on for like a year now.

The family I'm staying with also has a pool in their backyard which I am hoping (and planning) to take every opportunity to use. I'm thinking maybe I'll get up early 3 (or more) days a week and go swimming in the morning to start getting back into my exercise routines.

I am so glad its finally summer. Its been really hot but thats ok. I'm just trying to get used to the humidity again after being in Arizona last summer.

Rain

2009-04-28T15:42:00.001-04:00

I love rainy days. I especially love thunder storms. The sounds are so lovely.

Rain is a very soothing sound to me. There is nothing in the world quite like the sound of rain on the roof or dripping off the leaves of the trees. Peaceful and gentle it heals painful wounds and whispers that everything will be ok. Everything, everthing will be alright. Everything, everything will be just fine : )

I really like the name 'Rain', invisioning a beautiful girl with light brown hair and gorgeous gray/blue eyes. A loner with a bit of an attatude...master of her own destany - whether she is completely aware of it or not.

In fact if rain was a being she would look much like that...with silvery/gray wings and a flowing blue dress that seemed to flow and drip and change...lol I'm rambling now. : )

anyway...thats my rant about rain lol

Anger

2009-04-26T17:19:00.001-04:00

Her eyes darkened with anger
Deep jade green edged with steel blue.
The set of her jaw line was enough to make anyone tremble with fear.

The upper section of her torso felt like it was on fire, burning more with every breath she took.
The muscles in her shoulders and hands burned with the desire to hurt...destroy something...anything.
Damned synesthesia.

They had never seen anger in her eyes before.
Annoyance, sternness, love, compassion...many many things but never this.

Anyone else observing her manner would have supposed that a huge storm was coming.
Her walk, her stance, her very being trembled with the anger it contained.

She sent them to their rooms.
Paced a moment or too and found a couple of things to distract her hands as she made sure she was under control.
The strange turquoise/red huge that tinted everything slowly be again to fade.

The words had formed.
She knew what she was going to say.

She entered the first room.
The yelling that would have happened at home restrained her for a couple of moments
Then in a quiet voice she spoke.

Though her voice was quiet it was lined with anger, disappointment, hurt and sorrow.
Making sure he knew what he had done, she spoke the punishment.
Closed the door and walked on.

Entering the second room she didn't hesitate this time.
Making sure everything was perfectly clear she again pronounced judgment
Walking away she closed the door.

The anger was gone.
Leaving only sorrow and disappointment
As well as some amount of self – blame.

Anger is not an emotion I feel often. But it is an emotion I don't not hide well. It shows in my eyes and very very plainly on my face. It completely changes my body language and is steeled in my voice. It is not a feeling I am comfortable with because it is a very internal feeling. Writing about it now has helped take the edge off. It may seem weird to write in third person but it is the easiest way I know to do it.

The left over “consequence” - if you can call it that – that I always deal with for anger is guilt. Blaming myself, second guessing – was there anything I could have done – if I had done this would that not have happened – and so on. I struggle with anger towards myself which turns very quickly into self hate.

*shrug* I don't have anything else to say ha!

broken and fearful

2009-04-12T03:16:00.003-04:00

so I need to blog but I have no idea what to talk about. yeah...I guess I just need to say that I need to say and not worry about it.

Today was nice. It was fun and good for me to be as open and honest as I was but I can't help feeling very drained. I'm not really sure why other then the fact that it goes against everything I've been and done for years. All of my precautions to protect myself...

I can't help but feel like even though we've talked about it, it will be like nothing was said tomorrow. its hard for me and important to me to talk about things like that and oh I don't know...

it just matters. a lot.

I am very broken and I need a lot of understanding and gentleness.

I know you say that you want me to want things too but you should know that I will do things to make you happy and because you want them even if I don't or if I don't feel ready. but the consequences to that are terrible and costly.

I'm sorry that I am the way I am. I'm sorry that I am so broken and fearful.

2009-04-06T16:37:00.001-04:00

I had a super long blog all figured up in my head and I've completely forgotten it. yeah. so I guess I'll just say

I'm on spring break this week.

*shrug*

blogging blogging blogging.

2009-03-26T18:20:00.002-04:00

lol.

It all seems so stupid. I mean I think about it all day or week or whatever and finally come up with something to blog about but then I go to do it and it seems stupid. Some dumb aspect of my life that just makes me sound like a whiner again. hahaha! well not this time! I refuse to give in!

...though I don't know what to blog about now...

2009-03-21T21:19:00.002-04:00

"What'd ya say
In moment like this
When you can't find the words
To tell it like it is
Just bite your tongue and let your heart lead the way
Lets get out of here
Oh what'd ya say...."

Those are the words to the chorus of an old Reba song. I haven't heard it in ages but the words have been going over and over in my head tonight.

My Grandma died on Friday. She was 84. She had Alzheimer. She stopped eating 2 weeks ago. No one told me. My parents apparently didn't think it was important enough for them to tell me themselves. I found out through the email my mom sent my church.

I must have started crying countless times since thursday night when I read the email. But I haven't just broken down and let myself really cry yet. I'm not that kind of person. I hold things back until everything builds up too much and until I have the right moment to let go. Things have been building for a while. I've been dealing with a lot of things lately. Going through torture mental and emotional as I try to muddle through everything that's pushing down on me.

The past couple of months have been hard. Applying for college - a dream I've had for years - and actually making it. Working my butt of to learn a latin song in three weeks for my terrify audition at a school that I fell in love with the moment I arrived. Spending two weeks working myself to the bone so that I was so tired I'd fall right asleep at night so that I didn't have to think about the audition and my mistakes. Then finding out that I was accepted but realizing that even with the scholarship money I did receive I was never going to be able to afford it. Crying for a dream that was not going to come true and trying to re-align myself and my goals and figure out something I could do without the expense of a private college while knowing all I want to do in life I sing.

On top of all that dealing with a boss that is ostracizing and shutting me out because I won't be back in the fall. Going from the head teachers aide who's completely trusted and has a set of keys to the school to being the one that is shut out and never talked to about anything. I can't do anything right at work anymore. I get up in the morning and the only reason I even go is because I can't leave the kids. No matter what they do or how bad of a day they or I have I can't leave them. Many of them need the stability and need to know someone is always there. Watching my boss invite the other aides to conferences and such and paying for them to go and never having a word said to me. It hurts yeah. But I'm not a quitter and as much as I want to give up I am determined to make it through the next two and a half months.

What can I say? I'm no whiner. Yeah its been hard but I've had several amazing things happen in the past couple of months too. Things I wouldn't trade for anything. Things I don't want to ever lose. So I hold in the hard things, locking them inside myself to avoid the risk of pushing away or over burdening the people that mean the most to me though often that still pushes them away because I close myself off. I struggle with this because I want to be open. I want people to know *me*. But instead I find myself right back where I was before...

ahh well. whats a girl gonna do?

randomness

2009-02-06T17:01:00.002-05:00

So I've had a lot on my mind lately. I have an audition for Grace College on February 27th. I have an audition at 2:00 pm for voice and another at 4:20 pm for piano. I am so nervous. These auditions are for admission to the music school and for music scholarships. I feel very unprepared and like I have no idea what I'm doing because...well I don't. ha! I mean I know how to sing, and I know how to play the piano but as far as auditions and such this is a totally new experience for me and I really have no clue what to expect.

On a better note I have been accepted to the College itself and offered a $16,000 scholarship!

yeah so I guess thats it lol

Leave out all the Rest

2009-01-04T20:32:00.002-05:00

I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared
But no one would listen, 'cause no one else cared
After my dreaming, I woke with this fear
What am I leaving when I'm done here?

So if you're asking me, I want you to know

When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest

Leave out all the rest, don't be afraid
I've taken my beating, I've shared what I made
I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through
I've never been perfect, but neither have you

So if you're asking me, I want you to know

When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

I can't be who you are

Fix You

2008-12-31T10:38:00.002-05:00

So its offical. We are done. He wants to go back to being "friends like we were before" but thats impossible. It hurts like nothing else. I just don't understand the sudden change. I had a friend tell me that if I actually loved him it wouldn't hurt because "hurt is emotional". That can't be true. If hurt is emotional then love is emotional too so I don't love him? That makes no sense to me.

I feel like a train wreck. I got like...no sleep last night. I don't feel like leaving my room today, in fact I don't feel like getting out of my bed. I just want it all to be a bad dream. Its New Year's Eve for goodness sake. I should be happy and excited that this year is almost done but I'm not. Instead I burst into tears at the oddest times and I can't make myself stop crying. This year started out bad and its ending off even worse. I've gotten back into Coldplay again. Over and over and over. I feel like they are the only safe thing to listen too.

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

- Fix You - Coldplay - x&y

...

2008-12-28T20:03:00.002-05:00

Last Christmas I gave you my heart, the very next day you gave it away, this year to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special...

if you had asked me three days ago how I felt about that song I would have told you that I was secure in the fact that that would never be me. My baby loved me and I love him. But as I sit here and write this, but 3 days after christmas, the words to that song are ringing painfully in my head.

I don't know what happened, I can't begin to explain it. I replay it over and over in my head and still have no logical reason or answer for it. I haven't stopped crying in about two hours. He thinks he is saving me from more hurt down the road without realizing that he has caused me more hurt then he ever imagined.

Everything I've held on to for the last 2 months, every reassurence he has whispered in my ear...lies. All lies. I feel so betrayed and used. Broken and crushed underneath the pain. I can't think straight. I just know that I knew it was coming. I just wish I'd wake up and find it all to be a dream.

I'll never stop loving him...

2008-12-02T15:24:00.001-05:00

So I have this song stuck in my head. well one part of it really. Its part of a Jack's Manniquin song called Dark Blue

''Dark blue dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room
And I'm here with you
Here with you
Dark blue''

I think I'm fascinated with that song for two reasons. The first being that I have felt completely alone in a crowded room before...many times actually and because I wonder at his refurral to ''Dark Blue'' I supose dake blue is a person, and if he is refurring to a person through a color is it possible that he is a synesthete or that he knows about synesthesia?

Just two random questions lol but seriously. It is an amazing song. Look it up on youtube if you get the chance.

The Lizard by Jack the Girl

2008-11-23T21:10:00.003-05:00

Rather then post it twice this time I will simply refur you to my other blog www.xanga.com/silentwritings I have posted the whole story, starting at part 1 and ending half way through part 8 (as much as I have writen) it is 11 pages long in MSW and I hope you enjoy it.

2008-11-22T22:45:00.001-05:00

is 20 today

Completely Whole

2008-11-15T09:42:00.000-05:00

a couple of weeks ago, or even yesterday morning, if you had asked, I would have told you that I had an empty place inside of me, in my heart and emotions, that I've always had that empty place, part of me was missing. It was like having a open doorway with no door in it that you could shut to keep things out, or part of a wall that had just never been there... It made me feel venerable and caused me to fear many things, rejection not being the least of them. I'd tried many things to fill that whole, though I already knew the reason it was there, some things worked partially for a while, never very long but most things did not work at all. So I learned to be tough and act like it didn't matter. I learned to hide my fears and quietly lock them inside of myself so that no one could use them against me.

I was always told that I would be supported if I made this choice, though being told I could but I'd have to to it myself was not the kind of support I wanted or expected. Over the years, though I don't remember it ever being spoken out loud, I had come to believe that she didn't want it to happen, that neither of them did. That she had stepped out of my life and didn't really care to be included again, and that she would be perfectly happy if I never wanted too.

Yesterday afternoon, at 3 pm central time, that all changed. I met Joie, my biological mom. In the weeks, days, hours and minutes leading up to it I was so stressed and scared. It messed with my thinking, with my eating habits, with my sleeping habits...I didn't know what to expect or what to think, just that I wanted, I *needed* it to happen. I needed closure.

She is amazing. She answered most of my questions with me even having to ask them. She said that she and my grandma talked about me and my sister, that they missed us. She said that I will always be her baby and her angel and that her babies always come first in her life. She said that I am beautiful and that she is proud of me. She said I look just like my grandma. I explained to her why I wasn't able to come to my grandma's funeral and she put my heart at rest. Reassuring me that it was ok, that she understood and that my grandma would have understood too. She said that grandma is still watching out for me. She told me a little bit about my brother. Jimmy-Joe. He's 18. He almost came with her but decided not too last minute. I told her next time I want to meet him. She is 43 and only a couple of inches taller then I am, she said I got my shortness from grandma too. I understand where some of my personality traits came from now. The stubbornness and the drive to do hard physical work... She is doing well, considering where she is at in life.

She wants me to be a part of her life and I want her to be a part of mine. No this doesn't mean that I'm going to leave my family and move in with her. My family is my family. But she is also my mom. Yes its going to take a while to build up that trust and that relationship but that is time that I have and am willing to use. I have a mom that is proud of me and that loves me and that is all that matters now. The fear of rejection is gone now. I have such peace. And that emptiness? She completely filled it. I finally feel like a complete person.

2008-11-12T20:18:00.002-05:00

so this blog probably won't be anything to in depth or thoughtful since I haven't really had anything thoughtful to share lately. Just more of my random ramblings...

This weekend I'm going to S's. I'm super excited! And shes like twice as excited as I am! :-) We are going to do so many fun things and hang out and just plan enjoy each other company and the chance to "get away" from things for a while.

so tomorrow I work, then I'm going to spend the evening/night with Tiffany and then I fly out at 6:15 on Friday morning and don't return until 10 something on Sunday night. I am ssssooo looking forward to it!

hello again

2008-11-08T17:39:00.002-05:00

so I feel bad. I haven't been extremely faithful about updating lately. and even though I'm not sure many people read this blog I feel like I'm abandoning a good friend.

So life lately has been good. I mean, its been normal and boring and stressful but good at the same time. One of my co-workers quit and until my boss replaces her I can't call in sick or get off early. But that's life I guess.

In 6 days I'm going to see Sara for the weekend...and hopefully I will gain some closure...I will tell you more about that one when I come back.

mmmm what else??

I got my hair cut today! Its absolutely adorable. even if I do say so myself :-)

other then that...nothings been happening.

Stirred to Action

2008-10-29T22:06:00.001-04:00

this says it all!

http://weblog.xanga.com/silentwritings

100th post yay!!

2008-10-25T12:32:00.001-04:00

silly reason to be excited I know but one has to have some reason right?

so I'm seriously talking about moving back to Arizona. I want to so bad. I miss everyone out there and idk I miss the being needed part of it. I need a car first (duh) and then I need to talk to the elders at my church and then we'll see what happens from there. :-)

2008-10-14T08:28:00.000-04:00

First thing I did this morning??

Cry

Ha! What a great way to start my day.

2008-10-12T00:58:00.001-04:00

I'm so tired. Its been a long weekend. My cousins are here and that makes everything more stressful. 'specially things with my parents. I try I honesty do but they dont see it. I have a hard time with my cousins because I feel like I dont fit in. I'm to different and forgein to them. Theres only so much a girl can take ya know.

I went to a bday party for a 7 year old from my work today. It was...nice. Just different and stressful being with a bunch of strangers and all. I was the most comfortable with the kids. A 3 almost 4 year old from my school was there and she and I pal-ed around a lot. I did have a mice conversation with a couple of the adults and with the parents after everyone else had left.

700 characters later and I dont have much else to say though I feel like I'm going to brust from everything I've been keeping inside this weekend...I'm just not sure where to start...

*sigh*

Oh well maybe tomorrow...

2008-10-10T13:36:00.000-04:00

I am sssooo tired. Its been a looong day already and its nowhere near over. Ha! Todays my dads bday so I stayed for breakfast and was 30 minutes late to work this morning. But it was worth it. So today is friday thank heaven. I thought friday would never come. What else...oh My cousins are coming tonight to spend the weekend...and I have a bday party for Layla tomorrow and I havent gotten her a gift yet. Ha! So yeah I'm pretty much rambling again but who cares. :-P
What else can I ramble about...mmm...monday Is my bros bday...Johny might not get to come before they leave :-( and I've been in this boarderline happy mood for like a week or more ha! I've also stopped keep good track of time. Oh well
Thats enough for now I think...

2008-10-07T14:27:00.001-04:00

So picture this. Its a late night but I still get up early. I'm in an amazing mood. Happy for once and actually excited about work. I come into work and my boss says we are having a meeting enter the beginings of
tension.

Emily starts off by talking about the trouble student. The one that isnt potty trained and messes his pants 3 to 4 times a day. And is telling us that its just ''accidents'' and we need to be more ''supportive'' and ''helpful''. Lara who is stressed because of the lack of consistency tells Emily *nicely* that its not accidents and that hes not potty trained. Emilys whole attitude changes and she becomes defensive. Enter extreme stress.

Emily jumps all over Lara while Clair is trying to keep the peace and I'm standing there not saying a word because it helps nothing. Suddenly Emily is singling me out of things that are totally unrelated to the topic we started on and I'm to upset to say anything back to her. *good mood dies*

*sigh* Its frustrating.

-Out of room-

2008-10-06T20:50:00.000-04:00

I've been in this weird and kinda sassy mood off and on for a week or more now...and I'm enjoying it ha! If you cant tell from the pic

2008-10-04T23:42:00.003-04:00

So I've been sad a lot lately...well actually I'm almost always sad. I mean yes I'm happy and I'm in a good mood and my day is going well but there is always this underlying feeling of sadness. I've been trying to find the cause of the sadness and I've been having a horrible time. But I have figured out some other things...

I've changed. I'm not the happy-go-lucky person I used to be. Things bother me...things that never used too. I'm serious all the time and I'm a freakin' pessimist! Someone please tell me when that happened?! I spend most of my day at work trying to focus on things there but being constantly distracted by everything else going on in my life and I spend the rest of my day trying to focus on the things that distract me while I'm at work. I get nowhere. I'm never able to figure anything out anymore...

so here are my questions

Why have I changed?

A: because of unforeseen circumstances that have happened in my life over the past year or more and the effects they have had on me.

Have I changed in a good way?

A: Probably. I have a more realistic out look on life now that I wouldn't have otherwise

Do I like the change I see in me?

A: yes and no. I often find I'm to serious or I think to much or I can't take a joke the same way or whatever and it bothers me sometimes.

I've also come to realize that I'm lonely a lot. Alright pretty much constantly. I just want someone to talk to about whatever comes to my mind. I want someone who listens but doesn't always need to come up with a solution. Someone who just listens to me go on and on and make a complete fool of myself because I dont always *need* answers. I just need to know that someone cares and is there for me. I know I'm hard to listen to though because my thoughts don't always make sense logically or I don't know how to say them right...

I think that's why I like blogging so much. Because I can say whatever I want and it doesn't matter if it makes sense or not. Because its out of me...out of my head...one less confusing thought to try to make sense of.

I wanted to read or write tonight and now I've done both...so I suppose its time to work on my room like I need too.

2008-10-02T22:40:00.001-04:00

I'm done.

very short update

2008-09-30T22:58:00.003-04:00

I have a cold

Work is...stressful

I'm working on contacting my birth mom still

Today was my sister birthday

I'm tired

I feel like I'm bothering him by talking to him to much

the end

...

2008-09-27T20:08:00.003-04:00

so I told my mom my "grand scheme"...yeah...in other words I told her that I want to meet my birth mom...and it went about as I expected. let me tell you the story...

a few days ago she said "Jenny what do you want to do for your birthday?" and I said "I dunno" and she said "you can do anything you want" and proceeded to give me ideas...

so over the last few days (I think its been about a week now) I've been thinking about it and I decided that it was the perfect opportunity to tell my mom that I want to meet my birth mom. (editors note: I have wanted to meet my birth mom for almost two years now and the opportunity just never came up) I thought that I'd go see Sara and then she would go with me to meet my birth mom since she understands and gets me...so I talked to Sara about it and she was all for it.

I was going to do it last night and I chickened out...

So the whole day today goes by and I hadn't said anything to my mom and then we were making dinner and I decided to use the chance to tell her and this is how it went...

Me: So you remember how you said I could do anything I wanted for my birthday?
Mom: Yes
Me: Well I've been thinking about it for a long time now and I want to meet Joie and I think this is a good chance to do it
Mom: Meet who?
Me: My birth mom
Mom: oh well you'll have to work it out

followed by blank stares, the shortest answers I could possibly receive, and several looks of hurt and disappointment as I continued to explain what I had worked out with Sara...

So yeah

I just want her to support me for once in my life. I just...

it hurts.

frustration...

2008-09-22T17:41:00.003-04:00

I've had absolutely nothing to say for the last two days and now I just want to ugh! I have something I *want* to say but I have no words and I don't even know what it is....

I've had two of the weirdest dreams in my life in the last two days. The first one was me and to of my really good friends. and watching them make horrible choices and mess up their lives to an extreme and not being able to do a thing to help them other then be there for them to lean on when they couldn't walk alone...in that dream like 4 people choked and I had to give the Heimlich maneuver all 4 times...and I died. Like died. I got run over. You know how normally dreams wont let something like that happen because...well because they can't. Not so. I felt like I got run over.
The second one was weird because the people and places kept changing...and yet again I died. I fell from an extremely high place...worse part? I "saw" myself hit the ground.

I'm extremely frustrated with my parents right now. They have been pushing me to talk to Ben and Emy and Ryan and Deana about going to the music school at IU and all four of them told me to try to go to a smaller school for my bachelors and still my parents are pushing me to go. I mean I would love to go if Kate went with me but...idk I hate the pressure. They are also still pushing me to go for music ed and I really don't want too. Also I was late for work this morning...because I had to wait for them to take me. And since we only have one car I can't hang out with my friends tonight like I wanted because my "dad is going to work on the car" and I'm going to be so freakin' mad if he doesn't. He *FINALLY* when to Verizon today and supposedly hes going to get my texting upped to unlimited...like he was supposed to have done back in December! ugh!

I don't know why I'm so frustrated all of a sudden...just am.

2008-09-21T20:07:00.002-04:00

I think I test people a lot. Not consciously of course. Just subconsciously. Like I do things to see if they notice, or I say things to see what they will say or do. I hint around at things a lot. And I often expect people to be able to read between what I'm say and find the what I'm really saying behind it. And then I end up frustrated with myself when they don't or can't.

I don't know. My thoughts aren't put together at all today. I've spent the day thinking in fragments of thoughts...not even willing to pursue a thought completely for fear of where it might lead...

dreams

2008-09-19T07:23:00.002-04:00

have you ever had a dream that actually happened? I'm not talking about a goal or dream for your life. I'm talking about the things you have while you're asleep. I'm not saying that it "came true" because that would be a dream that is wished for. But I'm talking about dreaming that something happened and then that day or days or weeks or even months later it actually happened? I have.

It is a strange sensation to be watching something happen and be thinking to yourself "this already happened why am I watching it happen again?" and then realizing that you saw it before because you dreamed it at some point in the past. It is always a dream I've forgotten about until it happens...its just..weird.

Now I'm not one to put much stock in "dreams" but it is something you have to think about when you have 5 or 6 dreams come true in the course of a couple of weeks. One that happened recently was a dream that I had back in July while I was in Arizona about a little girl from my school that I didn't met until school started in September. She even said the exact same things she said in my dreams.

I also had a couple of dreams that could have been "fore warnings" about a few things that happened recently. Now I'm not saying I'm psychic. But what I am wondering is if it h,as something to do with my synesthesia. With emotion colors I pick up on a lot of things, sometimes so many things that I can't process them all so they are noticed "subconsciously", which means they could come out in my dreams.

As to the dreams about people I've never met I have no explanation.

2008-09-19T07:23:00.001-04:00

I think I'm going to stop blogging about personal things on here.

someone please

2008-09-17T07:25:00.000-04:00

show me how to breathe.

2008-09-16T21:38:00.003-04:00

I can't do this. I can't pretend like I'm ok. I can't pretend like nothing happened.

I'm so upset and hurt and crushed and disappointed and I feel so betrayed...I just...I can't.

I have to write I have to get it out somehow. No one understands. And I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I don't understand. I thought...I thought everything was good. I thought everything was going to work out. You said that we'd work things out somehow and I actually believed it. I thought you were serious...how many guys talk about actually talking to a girls dad? You told me that you loved me. I thought you'd never hurt me like this. I knew hurt was inevitable. We are all human after all but I never thought...not for an instant...I was ready to change all my plans for you. I was ready to give up my dream of going to College of the Ozarks to go to a school here so that I could be close to you. I would do anything for you...and now...I'm so confused.

Are you telling me that everything you said was a lie? When you said you loved me...did you mean it? I want to believe that you did and still do but...I just don't know.

What is best? and is it truly for the best? Is this for the best? Or are you just scared?

I thought this was going to be forever. I thought you were the one.

9/16/2008

Living on a high of happiness
She didn't see it coming...
Plummeting into depression and sadness
Left to wonder why

In gentle words he told her
Trying to explain
But not even those words of truth could stop the hurt.
As tears streamed down her face.

9/16/2008

I can't help questioning everything now
What did I do wrong?
Could I have done something different?
I thought it would last a whole life long.

I was content
I was happy
And I thought he was too...
Now I'm left wondering why I couldn't see...

HAPPINESS!!

2008-09-15T07:16:00.001-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejkkfntmUTU

hehe! I love that song!! Even more so now. :-D

I love being happy!! And it amazes me that one person can make me so happy all the time!!

woke up with this song in my head....

2008-09-12T07:09:00.003-04:00

Eva ~ Nightwish

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HieD3imPUxM

6:30 winter morn
Snow keeps falling, silent dawn
A rose by any other name
Eva leaves her Swanbrook home
A kindest heart which always made
Me ashamed of my own
She walks alone but not without her name

Eva flies away
Dreams the world far away
In this cruel children's game
There's no friend to call her name
Eva sails away
Dreams the world far away
The Good in her will be my sunflower field

Mocked by man to depths of shame
Little girl with life ahead
For a memory of one kind word
She would stay among the beasts
Time for one more daring dream
Before her escape, edenbeam
We kill with her own loving heart

Eva flies away
Dreams the world far away
In this cruel children's game
There's no friend to call her name
Eva sails away
Dreams the world far away
The Good in her will be my sunflower field

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

thoughts....

work today is still stressin' me out but not to bad anymore. I'll be fine. It will just be a long day. (for those of you who don't know my Boss's father is having open heart at 7:30 this morning and I'm in charge of the school today.)

I told one of my "friends" off last night. It was all things that needed to be say a long time ago and things he needed to hear. I don't really care if he never speaks to me again. That would be his problem. He would ruin my good moods and I'm tired of talking to people who make me depressed. So there. Now you know.

space

2008-09-11T07:09:00.003-04:00

so I'm trying this new thing were I blog or write in the morning before I start my day just to clear out some space in my head to think. So here we go for today.

Yesterday my boss's father went into the heart hospital and she left for the afternoon. Leaving me in charge of the school with the help of Miss Lara. We had 26 students. Scott came at dismissal which helped and he stayed with me so that I didn't have to do aftercare by myself.

So I found out that on Friday Emily's dad is going to have quadruple bypass surgery and Emily probably won't be at school on Friday even though we will be open...so yeah I'm a bit worried about how that's going to go...but I shouldn't be worrying about something that's two days away right now I've gotta figure out how today is going to go cause I can't stay for aftercare...and Lara leaves at noon today so I'll have Clair this afternoon...I really don't think Emily needs to be there but she probably will anyway.

anyway I think that's all for today!

My Thoughts - part II - Me

2008-09-02T19:28:00.008-04:00

so I was going to wait a few days before posting this but I feel like I need to just get it out. I have been trying to be more honest with myself and with other people lately. Honest in the sense that I let the real me show and I stop pretending and hiding...

What am I really thinking...

...I don't even know. So many things need to be thought about and worked through right now and I'm in such a habit of not thinking about anything that I feel completely overwhelmed.

I'm not proud of everything I've done...in fact I'm not proud of most things that I have done. I'm working on changing but to do that I need to understand how and why and when I do things. I have been able to change somethings...when someone hits me I still react in shock and defense but I no longer lash out or swing without thought. Now I can sense when I'm going out of control and I can channel that into something that won't hurt anyone else. I am slowly learning to not be afraid of people or of having a conversation. I'm learning to just sit in a group and be quiet. I'm learning to stop pretending to be extroverted to hide my fear or uneasiness. I'm learning not to push my limits just because I can. And...I'm learning that I'm still a cutter...not physically. I'm an emotional cutter. I've attempted to commit emotional suicide many many times. I like(d) pain. Because it means that I'm still alive. I also find myself running from/fighting anyone who tries to get close to me because I'm afraid of being hurt or rejected. I let hurt and fear run my life. I was, and often still am, completely unstable emotionally and I know that some of that stems from being adopted but I'm still trying to understand that because I know that not everyone who was adopted are such a huge wreck like I am.

I haven't been suicidal in a couple of weeks now. Its...freeing. Recently I've begun to notice things about letting go. I've been told over and over that people love me and care about me and in my head I knew that was true but I didn't really believe it. I asked a couple of friends of mine why that was and I received the same answer both times. Because I didn't want too. It was like a slap in the face. One that I'd needed for a long time. From that answer arose many questions for me...why didn't I want to believe it? Where was I getting the thoughts like that? Why was I so unwilling to accept the truth? as I worked through each of those questions in my mind and my heart I slowly was freed from the horrible power they had over me. And as I was freed I had to let them go. They had that grip on me because I allowed them too. Things from my childhood that have bothered me for years, and things from the more recent past...misconceptions, guilt that wasn't mine, cruelties, words spoken in anger, pain caused on accident or without thought...it all had to be released so that I could gain closure...so that I could begin to heal. I know that will take a long time and that I will always bare scars from some of it but at least I'm on the right path...

My Thoughts - part I - Adoption

2008-09-02T17:12:00.003-04:00

So I wrote and wrote and wrote some more over this past weekend and I'm slowly going to start posting parts of what I wrote out. These are thoughts that have been bothering me for a long time and I need to just get them out of my system.

Adoption...

...is not something I talk about often. It is a very painful subject for me. But it is also a large part of who I am..a large part of me that is missing. When I was younger my best friend was also adopted...and we had a connection. I hesitate to call it a "special" connection though it is almost what it was. I didn't (and still don't) have that connection with people who weren't adopted. Sara was also adopted and I had the same connection with her. I can usually tell that people were adopted...like my friend Kevin...there is just something different about them. Like we can sense that we have all lost part of ourselves and somehow, in some small way, we can fill part of what is missing for the other person or maybe its just that we understand what the other person is struggling with. I know its hard for everyone to find out who they are, but I believe that it is even harder for those of us who have been adopted because there is a whole other part of us that we know nothing about. So much of who we are is defined in how we are raised but part of us is also defined by our parents and family and background. The way we think, how we communicate...it all comes from our parents and, at least in my case, I am completely different from my adoptive parents which makes communicating extremely difficult. It is also difficult because I know that somewhere there is someone who looks like me and thinks like me, at least to some extent, and that person holds part of the key to who I am.

The reunion this weekend brought up a lot of things again...so many questions about my birth family that I have to set aside again because I don't have the answers for them. I'm trying so hard not to let those questions eat at me but they are always there, in the back of my mind, haunting me. I've worked through so many things but most of what is left stems from the fact that I was adopted. I was thinking about it earlier and asking myself why I'm so afraid of telling my mom that I want to meet Joie (my birth mom) and I realized its because of my fear of rejection. I'm afraid that my mom will be so hurt and disappointed that she will shut me out and I'm even more afraid that Joie will reject me by refusing to meet me. And yet the only way to get over that fear is to meet her...

What a crazy, mixed up, cruel and stupid world we live in.

work

2008-08-29T00:01:00.002-04:00

so I'm really excited about work really starting up next Tuesday. I can't wait to see all the kids again and get to know the new kids too. :-) We have 40 kids in the morning this year and 28 in the afternoons which is a bit fuller then last year which means more of a challenge but I'm still excited and I'm looking forward to the challenge and being stretched more myself.

So this week I've only worked mornings since we are just doing "training" and prep work. (if you don't know I work at a private Montessori preschool/kindergarten) there are three new teachers assistants besides myself. Emily, my boss, is the head teacher and Caren and Liz (the two teachers from last year) no longer work at the school. (long story) The three new teachers are Clare, Lara and Sarita. They are all older then me (by a lot), in fact they are all older then Emily too. But they are nice and we have a very good mix of strengths going on this year. We all kinda think alike and will handle things in a similar manner which should help the unity within the group of us tremendously.

Clare - has a PhD in Reading and Lit. I like her a lot. She is so calm about things and understanding and if she doesn't understand then she asks questions to try to understand. She thinks outside of the box and already has come up with several ideas to help make everything go smoother and help all of us teachers to be able to communicate with each other better. She understands the pressures that parents put on their kids and is just generally sweet and nice.

Lara - is actually the aunt of the twins. She is an Artist. And amazing as well. She brings the humor to things that otherwise would be stressful. She has great ideas for the art area and for group projects which is great because I struggle in that area. Again a wonderful sweet person.

Sarita - I don't actually know her that well because she only worked two mornings this week. But she seems nice. She worked at another Montessori school so she has a basic understanding of what we are doing and has also contributed great ideas.

Emily - seems much less stressed this year which is great since I tend to pick up on other peoples moods and emotions. She has completely rearranged things and I think they will work much better. She has so many more ideas as well and is super excited about this year.

2008-08-24T22:33:00.002-04:00

I know I just posted but I didn't get it all out and I don't want to edit it.

I've been told repeatedly since I've been home that people either can't read me or they can't tell when I'm being scarcastic (which is pretty much always when I'm with people) and it really bothers me. My dad told me the other day that he can't even read me. He said "specially not when you're silent. I don't know if you've just been burned to many times or what but you are extremely difficult to read". Now I've known that I'm hard for most people to read but I didn't think that even my own sisters and parents couldn't read me...

idk...just...bothers me...

2008-08-24T22:23:00.002-04:00

I posted this on my xanga two days ago...

"back in the swing of things...

or trying to be at least. I haven't blogged in forever. Not on here or on any of my other blogs. I will admit I miss it. And I need to get back on a schedule...maybe once a week to start with...who knows...I'm not promising anything other then trying

ok so...I'm home now. I really miss being in Arizona and I really want to go back but every time I bring up leaving again my mom changes the subject. She must really want me to stay home. Things here at home have been different since I got back...I can only name once in the course of the whole week I've been here that I thought my mom was going to get mad at me. She keeps telling me how glad she is that I'm back and things like that. I can't say that I'm not enjoying the change because I really am but part of me is still waiting for reality to set in and for things to go back to what they were...I'm not trying to borrow trouble as it were...I'm just having a hard time deciding if this is really the way things are going to stay. Don't get me wrong I would love for them to stay this way I'm just not sure if they will yet...I guess only time will tell.

My dad is quitting his job on Monday. Yeah I know. Big surprise to me too. I knew nothing of a new job possibility until about 1 pm last Monday and then at 7 pm I was being told that he was taking it. I thought he loved his current job. He has worked for this company for the last 8 years. Its funny...his reasons for taking the new job are the same reasons he took the one he's going to quit...which are the only reasons we live here instead of back in Missouri. I don't really know much about this new job except for that its a self-employed kind of thing. The two main things I'm worried about is that if he makes much more money then he is now I won't be able to get into the college I want to go to and that I will no longer have insurance. I only have insurance right now because the company he works for is based out of Maryland and their state law says that anyone living in the house under the age of 24 has to be covered. But our state law allows the insurance company to kick me off when I turned 19 (last year) since I'm not a full time student. And I don't have insurance through work.

ok now for some good news. Back in February my best friend Sara and I had a huge falling apart. I'm not going to go into the details but we were both very hurt when everything was said and done. We didn't talk at all until June when I emailed her and we started working things out again. I saw her for a week a couple of weeks ago and then last night we were IMing and we finally got everything worked out so we are good now! Its so nice to have everything worked out and we are almost back to "normal" again. I've really missed her.

Other then that...I'm tired. So I'm going to end for tonight."

and since then things have started sliding down hill...

I messed up my foot really bad about a month ago...nothings broken but I pulled all the muscles and ligaments so it still really swollen and hurts a lot and my sister noticed it and said something about it to my mom which made my mom mad at me and then my sister wouldn't shut up and made things worse so my dad got mad at me too...all because of some stupid misunderstanding and because my sister wouldn't shut up...and the worst part is that we were at my cousins house for her HS grad party.

I know I've said this before but I want to meet my birth mom. I've been looking for closure for a lot of things in my life lately and I've come to realize that there are a lot of things I won't have closure for until I've met her. So now I just have to find the right time and get up the courage to tell my parents...

I had a whole blog planned out in my mind for a week now and now that I'm actually blogging I don't feel like posting it. So I won't.

I start work tomorrow....

The Midst of the Storm

2008-07-15T02:24:00.003-04:00

Th sound...the call...the intense pull...she looked up at the window and caught her breath. It was raining again. It caused her to stop in surprise even though she knew in her heart before she even looked up that it was. It wasn't just raining, it was down pouring. Bit fat droplets of water pouring forth from the sky like there was no tomorrow. Again the call...just like last time it rained...something...someone was waiting for her. She got up and walked out the door. Nothing could stop her, not the darkness, not the intense flashes of lighting, or the overpowering crashes of thunder and certainly not any person. Tonight she was going to find what was waiting for her in the midst of the storm.

The rain soaked through her jeans in a matter of seconds and chilled her to the bone as soon as the cold drops hit the bare skin on her arms. But she didn't care, she just turn her head up towards the sky and let the coolness run down her face. Then she started walking, completely unaware of the fact that she had walked out without shoes. Where was she going? She didn't know, nor did she care. All she knew was that as the water ran down her skin her intense desire for rain was quieted. The extreme longing in her heart was quenched by the cooling sensation that tingled her skin. Her whole being felt awakened, each sense was heightened by the cold she felt.

There is something romantic about walking in the rain, but the romance was down played by the continual pelting of the rain on her skin. At moments it seemed that the rain was mixed with hail, seemingly trying to beat her down like everyone and everything else in her life. She paused under a tree trying to find a moments shelter, but though the rains pounding was lessened, the coldness of the wind chilled her wet skin and she stepped back out into the rain. Pushing forward, still not knowing where she was going or what was driving her on.

By now the raging rain had caused small rivers to form, she stepped into one of these and without a thought walked in the direction the water flowed. Her body had become accustom to the coldness, all except for her hands and fingers which ached from the coldness they still felt, almost as though cold claws had attacted themselves to her hands and wouldnt let go.

She wasn't thinking, she just kept walking, listening for the call, and following the intense pull. She was completely unaware of her surrounds until she realized that she had stopped following the flow of the water and was now standing on a low stone wall of sorts. She paused and waited, she closed her eyes and listened with her heart, nothing. She stopped listening and concentrated on feeling, again nothing. She turned back in the direction she had come from...or at least thought she had come from.

Slowly she walked back, everything seem to be against her, the rain pelted her face and the wind pushed at her as though telling her she was going the wrong way. Just as she was about to give up completely she heard it. Something...someone whispered her name. Only it wasn't her name. It was different somehow. she walked towards the sound but found nothing. In despair she gave up and started back, more aware of the coldness she felt around her.

As she walked back to her door she thought of how nice it would be to have someone waiting for her, someone who would tell her that they were worried about her but she knew that it was only empty loneliness that waited for her. She turned the knob and started to walk back through the door, but as her hand rested on the door frame she turned and looked back at the storm again, wondering why the voice had stopped calling and why she felt peace. It was only then that she realized why her name seemed different. It was because she herself was different and she knew then what had been calling her and what she had been looking for.

Out there, in the midst of the storm, she had found the one thing she wanted more then anything else. She had found herself.

bicker bicker bicker fight fight fight

2008-07-03T01:10:00.003-04:00

They are all looking for something...most of them looking for the same thing. But they are looking in the wrong place....they are looking inside each other instead of inside themselves. They are creating so much drama...one looking for it...the other hiding the fact that they don't think they have it. Cutting each other down to make themselves look better or feel better...constantly fighting with or against each other...pushing away the people that could help them the most...I don't know how much more of this I can take...

Bicker bicker bicker...fight fight fight...

Confide in someone you don't know...

Hate hate hate...tearing you apart...

Making you feel alone.

Acusing, denying...

Saying its not true...

While on the inside your dying.

Slowly killing you.

2008-06-28T18:09:00.002-04:00

I hate this!! I really do!

All I want to do is start a fight with someone...over anything I really don't care!! I think it has to do with being serious all the time I have so much energy pent up inside me that is dying to be released. I need someone closer to my age here!! I said I'd be fine but I really can't keep on always being mature and grown up. I need to relax and be silly and goof off every now and then!! I *want* someone my age to talk to about things. I'm *tired* of being a grown up all the time! I AM NOT A GROWN UP!!!

I want to cry...I want to break something...I want to yell at someone...I want to tease someone that is young enough to get what I'm saying...I want to talk to a person near my age face to face...

blogging...

2008-06-28T17:18:00.002-04:00

So I wanted to blog something really deep here but I'm not in the mood so I'm just going to tell you to check out my writing blog because I posted several works by a person who is special to me. Here is the link for that...http://silentwritings.blogspot.com/

So yeah...thats it for now...

why are you still here? Go read my other blog!! http://silentwritings.blogspot.com/

the last two times....

2008-06-26T02:01:00.002-04:00

I've had bad days where days I got things in the mail from "home"...

strange...yes

weird...definitely

coincidence...not likely

I don't know...

2008-06-21T17:03:00.002-04:00

whats going on...just that something is.

I'm not sure I really understand everything...I've been so happy here...but underneath it there is a underlying sense of...dread...hatred for the way things are at home...idk...something

My sense of confusion has lessened greatly...it is still there but considerable less then it used to be. I feel like I can actually get some thinking done and am slightly closer to the answer(s) to my questions.

I'm not lonely...not really but I do miss my friends. I'm also slightly confused about why some of my friends seem to be ignoring me...I know theres probably a good answer but I can't figure out what that would be.

I don't feel cut off out here like I thought I would. Just...happily separated. Like I can step back into my place back there with no trouble...maybe that is the trouble...I don't want to go back.

Well I'm out of words...*sigh*

I'm off to Arizona!

2008-06-14T16:24:00.003-04:00

Hey y'all!

I know its been FOREVER since I've updated! Sorry!!

My life so far...

my family left to start our summer travels on Friday, May 30th and drove to St. Louis and spent the night, then finished our trip to Kansas City (KC) the following morning.

Sunday, June 1st I helped drive a group of 12 kids down to Sooner Bible Camp in Ponca City, OK. I was "crowd control" which was kinda fun :-) but it was really weird to go down and turn around and come right back to KC with my dad. I've been a camper at that camp for the last 9 years of my life and it was a bit of a shock to have it fully hit me that I'm "to old" to go as a camper now.

So the next week was spent in KC pretty much by myself because all the older cousins were at camp. I did go see Prince Caspian and Robert met me and two of my cousins there and that was fun! :-) And I hung out with/spent the night with/went swimming with my friend Hannah which was also pretty cool.

Then on Saturday (June 7th) I got up at 4:30 am and drove down to camp with my aunt to pick everyone up again. I drove a group of 5 people (not counting me) back in my uncles SUV which was fun, but it was really winding and by the end of our almost 9 hour trip (both ways) I was VERY tired.

Sunday, June 8th I headed back down to camp and stayed with the group we took down. I was the "craft girl" and helped out with staff. Over all I would say it was a pretty good week but I was very tired of bossing people around by the end of the week and I got sick on wednesday eve/thursday. I made some AWESOME new friends with some of the girls. It was the camp joke and my friend lydia and I were the "emo sisters" XD neither of us are emo at all but it was fun :-)

Camp lasted until this morning so I'm very tired and have only been back in KC for about a hour.

I can't believe that I am leaving on Monday for Arizona! It doesn't seem possible that the trip I've been planning for the last 3 months is only 3 days away. I've very excited about the new possiblities that are opening up for and I can't wait! :-)

One last thing...I doubt I will update this blog much if at all while I'm out there but I am starting a new blog to go along with my new email address for the summer. My orginal plan was to just email everyone that wanted to keep up with me but I now have quite a long list of people to keep up with while I'm out there so I've decided that it will be easier to just blog rather then try and send that many emails.

My new blog is http://arizona-sunshine-girl.blogspot.com/ and my summer email address is arizona.sunshine.girl@gmail.com

Keep in touch!!

6 days..

2008-05-24T22:04:00.002-04:00

I leave in six days...I can't believe it...I have so much I will need to do...these last days will be absolutely crazy.

Tomorrow (sunday) I have church in the morning and then we are supposed to go to the zoo with some friends and then come back to our house a grill which pretty much shoots tomorrow for doing anything.

Monday I have to finish the land scaping for my mom before I leave. Its pretty much done but she wants to go buy some more flowers and stuff so it will probably take most of the day. And then my parents want to take me out to dinner before I leave town...monday is also my last chance to get the last couple of things I need before I leave.

Tuesday I have work which takes up pretty much all of my day, and then I have my last voice lesson before I leave for the summer, my cousins come back from KC and we have some friends over that I havent seen in like 3 months. My cousins are also spending the night.

Wednesday is the LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!! Hence the last day of work before I leave for the summer. :-) Again it will take up most of my day. Wednesday night I have church. My cousins will also be at the house all day as well as some friends of ours.

Thursday morning I have to be at the kindergarten graduation thingy for the school I work at, and then my boss wants to take all of us teachers/teachers aides out to lunch. Thursday is also my last day to finish my packing.

Friday I have to be at the "end of the year picnic" for work which hopefully won't last more then a couple of hours. Then we are all going to my sisters band concert, and from there we leave to go to St. Louis where we will spend then night.

Saturday we finish the trip to KC from St. Louis, I get my hair cut! :-) and we see ALL of my cousins.

And if thats not crazy enough...I heard from College of the Ozarks today...I'm on the waiting list. Which means on top of everything else I have to try to figure out what I'm going to be doing next fall. I had really been counting on making it in this school year and hadn't really been planning for anything else...so yeah...anyway...

oh I went ahead and made a new email address for the summer. It is arizona.sunshine.girl@gmail.com so email if you want to keep in touch because I probably won't be on here and I probably won't be on IM very much at all.

Summer Plans

2008-05-14T23:25:00.003-04:00

I leave in two weeks to begin my whirlwind summer...first to KC/OK for two weeks and then out to Arizona for the summer...I probably won't be home until mid-august.

I'm extremely excited about it. I can't wait. I think it will be a good learning experience for me as well as a very good amount of "de-stressing" time for me. I love being gone and traveling during the summer because it gives me a chance to get away from everything here and refocus myself.

I've officially started my packing...made up the lists of things I'll need and things I still need to get and all that good stuff. :-) I've also started getting the things I won't need (or can get away with not using) between now and then together and in stacks ready to go in my room.

I am starting to realize just how much I've been neglecting my friends here...mostly because we've all been busy and we always say "when summer gets here we'll hang out more" and now I"m going to be gone all summer so that won't be happening...but its OK. Most of us are making plans to hang out before I leave :-)

I've been thinking about setting up a new Gmail account just for the summer...the one I have now and my yahoo account both get a lot of junk mail, facebook notifications, and group messages and I know that I won't have near as much time as I have now to be online so I'm thinkin' it would be better to have a fresh account that I can use to keep in touch this summer. Any thoughts about that??

Also...I will have my phone with me but I don't think it will work unless I'm in town. Which should be at least once a week. I've been meaning to stop by a Verizon store and look on one of their maps of their coverage but I haven't had a chance yet...hopefully before I leave.

Anyway...that's it for now I think...I'll update again before I leave...a couple of times hopefully...and I promise not to drop off the face of the earth. :-)

Something Inside

2008-05-10T21:54:00.002-04:00

http://jonathanrm.musique.com
One of the 3 songs by Jonathan from August Rush' soundtrack. Enjoy!

Something Inside

When the one thing you're looking for
Is nowhere to be found
And you back stepping all of your moves
Trying to figure it out
You wanna reach out
You wanna give in
Your head's wrapped around what's around the next bend
You wish you could find something warm
'Cause you're shivering cold
It's the first thing you see as you open your eyes
The last thing you say as your saying goodbye
Something inside you is crying and driving you on
It's the first thing you see as you open your eyes
The last thing you say as your saying goodbye
Something inside you is crying and driving you on

'Cause if you hadn't found me
I would have found you
I would have found you

So long you've been running in circles
'Round what's at stake
But now the times come for your feet to stand still in one place
You wanna reach out
You wanna give in
Your head's wrapped around what's around the next bend
You wish you could find something warm
'Cause you're shivering cold
It's the first thing you see as you open your eyes
The last thing you say as your saying goodbye
Something inside you is crying and driving you on
It's the first thing you see as you open your eyes
The last thing you say as your saying goodbye
Something inside you is crying and driving you on

'Cause if you hadn't found me
I would have found you
I would have found you

It was your first taste of love
Living upon what you had
It's the first thing you see when you open your eyes
The last thing you say as your saying goodbye
Something inside you is crying and driving you on

'Cause if you hadn't found me
I would have found you
I would have found you
I would have found you
I would have found you

Life...

2008-05-07T15:58:00.000-04:00

is life.

What more can I say?

...

2008-05-02T21:52:00.001-04:00

its a horrible feeling to run into your room and throw all your weight against the door only to realize that your afraid of your sister...I can't stop crying and I'm shaking horribly.

MAKE YOU YOUR MIND!!!

2008-05-02T19:48:00.003-04:00

So my family is driving me crazy...

They've been bugging me since I started taking voice lessons to sing for them...like I'm suddenly going to be completely amaing and stunning after one lesson. I've been putting them off until I felt like I had accomplished something so after last weeks lesson I decided to sing for them...but I was waiting until they were actually paying attention...so tonight both of my parents were bugging me about it so I said "ok fine" and started to warm up but they were like all talking really loud and I couldn't hardly hear myself (hey I'm not going to blast my voice trying to warm up just to be able to hear myself above everyones noise) and then on top of that our piano is waaaaayyyy out of tune...I mean I knew from playing that it was bad but try warming up using chords when the notes aren't even in the same pitch! So I gave up. And you know what? They haven't even noticed. Yeah I know. I mean make up your minds! Please! For cryin' out loud I'm not going to strain my voice to warm up...and then not even really be warmed up cause the paino is so bad and then have y'all not even care.

So anyway I've decided its a) pointless to try to use my piano to practice, b) just as pointless to let my parents bug me into singing for them, and c) next to impossible to be good at anything in the house and actually have people listen to you...

oh and if the piano is ever going to get tuned I'm gonna have to pay for it myself cause my parents obviously either can't tell or don't care.

describe your current mood...

2008-05-01T21:22:00.000-04:00

anti-socal

Its all in the little things....

2008-04-28T22:46:00.002-04:00

Have you ever noticed that its the small things that make or ruin a day?

Take today...it was amazing...why? Because it started off good. What made it start off good? Well actually I don't remember...something my mom said this morning...but what made it better...was actually accomplishing something I've been trying to do for a month now...

I floored my voice teacher today. Well not literally floored but you get the idea...first we started warming up and I hit everything. Dead on...then we started getting pretty high and I get nervous about actually hitting the more extreme high notes and messed up a couple and then ended up botching the rest of the warm ups because I get frustrated with myself and try to hard and then start to think that I can't do it...so my day that had started out so great was sliding down hill very fast. And then it happened...I sang a song the way she wanted me too...with emotion and dynamics and proper breathing...and it felt so freeing. I left voice feeling completely free of everything that has been happening lately...the best part? I hadn't sung that song all week...I didn't think I would be singing it today...but I "nailed it". I walked away from voice today telling myself that I actually can do it...I'm not sure how I did but I can do it. It made my day...and probably my week.

So the next time your day is looking down...remember...look for the small things...let the big things slide and hold on to the small things that can make your day/week/month/year...the best you've ever had.

Moments

2008-04-26T22:35:00.003-04:00

what are they....I mean honestly...short a second...but longer then a split second?

I'm sure you all are wondering about the weird beginning to this post...sometimes I just cant hide my weirdness... :-)

Moments...we all have them...blonde moments...moments when we space out...some of the best things that ever happen to us last just moments...our lives are defined by them.

Its like something I used to do when I lived in Missouri...we would to canoing on the rivers and we would find tall cliffs (missouri is covered in sandstone cliffs) usually 40+ feet high, make sure the river below was deep enough and then jump off the cliff...and at first your holding your breath waiting for the water...then you think about how much you enjoy the feeling of falling...and then for a moment you wonder where the water is and why you haven't hit it yet and as soon as you think that you hit the water...all in the space of a few moments...

when your falling time seems to stand still...don't you wish that we could just "pause" time for a few moments during our busy lives? There are lot of times when I wish for just a moment of peace...just a moment of time to myself to think...or a few moments of sanity in the midst of insanity.

And now I'm done with my totally randomness...thank you for letting me waste a moment of your time.

Determined

2008-04-23T16:29:00.004-04:00

so I've been thinking...I know I know. *looks of shock* "Jen? Thinking?!" Sorry couldn't resist that one. :-P

There have been a lot and I mean *A LOT* of things happening in my life lately that have been/are extremely hard for me to know how to handle and deal with and such...most of the time I don't want to think about them because they hurt so much.

I've lost two very close friends in the space of two months...one just this week...and this time it was because I've changed. I'm not the person I used to be...I don't know who I am but I know I've changed...and I realized that I've been sorta shying away and not accepting the fact that I've changed...but its time to embrace it with open arms. And be who I am. Not who other people want me to be. Yes my future is full of things I can't see and yes at times it will be scary or it might hurt but I'm tired of being here, where I am...its time to move on...

Secondly I've realized a lot lately that I've been blaming myself for a lot of things...somethings that aren't even my fault or aren't completely my fault...and for something that I can't change. They are things I should have let go along time ago but instead I just keep blaming myself for them again and again and again...not a healthy thing to be doing. I have very low self-esteem...have for years...and now I'm beginning to see why. I need to forgive myself and let things go. Especially the things that aren't my fault or can't be helped. That all ties into the next thing I've been thinking about...

Trust...and how I often lack it. Not in God. My trust in God is fine. Its my trust in people...its like I'm always expecting people to hurt me or disappoint me or whatever...and while that may happen, I'm missing out on all the great people out there who won't let me down and will always be there for me because I don't try to get to know them because I don't want to risk getting hurt. Anyway I've been trying to think of ways to change that...and I've come to the conclusion...as hard as it is to admit...that I don't trust myself. And because I don't trust myself it splits over in to other areas of my life. I have a hard time trusting other people when I don't trust myself not to mess up or ruin things.

I've always been "strong enough" for myself and my friends. Even when the only thing I want to do is cry I will pretend like everything is fine and act happy. I used to think that I could live without friends. That I could deal with all my problems and thoughts and emotions myself. That I didn't need anyone because I'm strong enough. But more and more recently I've been realizing that I'm not as strong as I thought...and that I do need people...and when I'm pushing them away is when I need them most. I am not always strong. Often I am tired and can't be as strong as I would like...now I need to learn to start letting my friends help me when I'm not strong enough...

So now I've made up my mind. I am determined that I will make it through everything that is happening...and when I'm not strong enough I know that I have determined friends to help me...I don't know who I am yet...I'm still changing...and I don't know what my future holds...all that is still to be determined...

2008-04-22T23:28:00.001-04:00

its ruined...everything...just...completely ruined.

Thats all I ever do. Ruin things...

I'm sorry.

and I'm done....

2008-04-20T19:53:00.002-04:00

am I pushing them away?

or are they running from me?

two within two months of each other....

At this rate I'll have none left by the end of june....

AZ for the Summer

2008-04-19T23:37:00.004-04:00

So I've been kinda been waiting to blog but I guess nows as good a time as any.

So my summer plans are nailed down. I'm going to AZ for the summer. I will be working at Immanuel Mission...heres part of the e-mail so y'all will have a better idea of what I'll be doing...

"You will be helping me with the youth groups who come to do work projects and VBS clubs in the area. You may run a work crew or go check on a crew and get stuff for them. There is plenty to do. When no group is here we'll be doing repairs on our own. I hope this is okay with you. If you want more interaction with kids in the area you can probably go out with the youth groups to the VBS. Also there are usually kids hanging aroud the mission."

One thing that I did find out tonight that had kinda made me a bit sad is that Anne won't be there...she is the one person there that I've actually met before so it will be a completely new experience.

The other thing is that there is a chance that I may stay on in AZ through the next school year as a kindergarten/first grade teachers aide. That would also be at Immanuel Mission. That all depends on how much I like being there during the summer, if I get accepted into College of the Ozarks for the Fall or not and if the Lord leads me to stay.

I've very excited though about going and I think everything will work out. I may get a bit lonely in the beginning but I'll be fine. I'm actually looking forward to the break from life here and the oppertunity to help out and be able to actually do something that matters with my summer.

On the "here and now" side of things...currently I'm doing okay...some days are worse then others but that is to be expected right? I've been thinking lately that I've become kinda bitter about the whole thing that happened with Sara...and I need to just let it all go now. As hard as it is and as much as it hurts, it is time...and I need to do it. I'm just not completely sure how.

One of my very good friends recently started spending a lot...and I mean *A LOT* of time hanging out with one of my sisters...and they randomly text and stuff all the time and its been bothering me because she has stopped texting me just to say hi and she never calls to see if I can hang out anymore...but I also kind of reluctant to ask her about it because I don't want anything like what happened with Sara to happen with her...and I've been annoyed with myself for letting it bother me...I mean its a free country right? She can be friends with whoever she want to be friends with...

I've also started having horrible nightmares again...I thought they had stopped but I guess I was wrong...I still can't get myself to wake up from them...

I've also had absolutely no caffeine in a week now!! I've been trying to get off of it because I've become addicted to it and it has also been part of the reason I haven't been sleeping at night. I have replaced my Mountain Dew with Fuze...and fruit juice drink with extra vitamins and such in it...I'm already hopelessly addicted to that...I drink 3 to 4 18 oz bottles a day...but its better then having the caffeine right? :-) If you ever get the chance to try some Fuze I suggest the Orange Mango or the Strawberry Guava. Love both flavors.

okay...I think I've said everything that I needed too and now that I've rambled on hopeless let I'll stop.

words....

2008-04-16T22:45:00.000-04:00

.....escape me....

...and I'm done trying to find them...

I'm with you

2008-04-13T23:23:00.003-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bW2LTnzD-vE

I'm standing on the bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone tryin’ to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?

(Chorus)It's a damn cold night!
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

(Mmm..)

I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know?'
Cause nothing's going right
And everything’s a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone tryin’ to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?

(CHORUS)

Oh!

Why is everything so confusing?
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Yeah.. yeah.. yeah!..yeah.. yeah,
yeah.. yeah, yeah yeah, YEAH...
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I....!
I'm with YOU...
I'm with YOU...

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I!

I'm with you...
I'm with you...
Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I...I'm with you
I'm with you

I'm with you

Anything But Ordinary

2008-04-13T01:22:00.003-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA_BaZkOUxE

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It’s my lulaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I want to scream It makes me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I’d rather be anything but ordinary please

To walk with in the lines
Would make my life so boring!
I want to know that I have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on non give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive

Chorus

Let down your defenses
Use no common sense
If you look you will see
That this world is a beautiful, Accident, Turbulent succulent opulent permanent
no way I wanna take it
Don’t wanna waste it Away

Chorus

Repost

2008-04-08T23:44:00.000-04:00

Don’t know what to do
Life seems so empty without you
Don’t know if it’s true
You didn’t want to hurt me, desert me

Love breeds suicide
Love kills me inside

Just want to know
Is there a reason for living

Just want to go
Back where we came from, I’m begging you

Love breeds suicide
Love kills me inside

You were my reason for living
Why did it end
Why did it end
You were my sunshine, my living
Why did it end
Why did it end

I can't explain

2008-04-08T13:34:00.003-04:00

I'm a mess...

I really am...with everything thats been happening over the last few months I've started falling apart...

I've known it was going to happen...but I was denying that it actually was happening until recently...well last night to be honest...

There have been lots of signs...not being able to sleep...having nightmares that I can't wake up from...being withdrawn...not even really wanting to hang out with my friends...the pranks on IM...all of it...

And then last night...I broke down...I don't even really want to think about it...

I'm holding on to so many things...so many things that just make me hurt more...but I can't seem to let go...I don't know how...and if I let go am I giving up? If I let go what will I have left...?

I blame myself for things that aren't even really my fault...but I can't make myself stop...I can't make myself forget things people have said or done...things just keep building and building and no one around me seems to understand or even notice...I know I'm not that good of a pretender...

I just want to scream at everyone and everything right now...I can't explain things I don't have the words...

none whatsoever

2008-04-04T17:07:00.000-04:00

I'm here.

the end

My Immortal

2008-03-24T22:51:00.001-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-A-4NQfFRs

i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
'cause your presence still lingers here

and it won't leave me alone
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

[chorus]
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
i held your hand through all of these years
but you still have
all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating life
now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts
my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away
all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

[chorus]

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
but though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

[chorus]

*************************************

I heard this song on the radio earlier and it made me cry.

The lyrics are amazing
Her voice is perfect
and the music is beautiful

This song haunts me.

Silent Writings

2008-03-21T20:44:00.002-04:00

I started another blog just for my writing...I'm only gonna use this one for rambling. lyrics and music videos that I like.

So yeah...if you want to check it out heres a link...

http://silentwritings.blogspot.com/

2008-03-20T16:36:00.002-04:00

I hate being sick...

'specially when the meds don't work like they should...

Its even worse when your whole family is 4 hours away and you don't want to move because you head hurts so bad and you can't talk cause as soon as you try to talk you start trying to hack out both your lungs...even when your not trying to talk your trying to hack your lungs out.

I thought that no physical pain could hurt as much as emotional pain...but I was wrong. All I have is broncitis...and it hurts this bad...I don't even want to think about what it must feel like to have a life threatening illness.

On a scale of 1 to 10 my physical pain right now is probably an 8 or 9...but my emotional pain is just as high or higher...they just hurt in different ways...one externaly and one internally....

I thought I was strong enough physical where I was to weak emotional...and now I'm not so sure anymore.

I just know it hurts like nothing else I can remember...

What I've Done

2008-03-18T19:05:00.003-04:00

ummm....not much change really from my last post...

I went to a conference last weekend...I usually love it but this year I felt very crowded...too many people...it was very hard for me to be socal and not just walk away from everyone...I'm exhausted...physically and metally...so I'm not really much good anybody right now.

So much has happened lately...nothing worth complaining about again though...alot of the same things from different people in different ways...and alot of the same thoughts and feelings...alot of the same questions...

I'm really getting sick of people always being the same and always doing the same things...even though they promise not too...

And I'm starting to hate myself even more then I used to...mostly because I *CAN'T* make the thoughts and feelings stop or go away...they are constantly eating at me...even when I think I'm doing fine...they are constantly trying to overwhelm me...pushing me down...and when they can't push me down they beat me down...I just want to removed the part of me that feels and thinks...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sgycukafqQ&feature=related

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no Alibi
‘Cause I’ve Drawn Regret
From the truth
Of a Thousand Lies

[Pre-Chorus:]

So let Mercy Come
And Wash Away
What I’ve Done

[Chorus:]

I'll face myself
To Cross out what I’ve Become
Erase Myself
And let Go of What I’ve done

Put to rest
What you Thought of Me
While I clean this Slate
With the Hands of Uncertainty

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus]

For What I’ve Done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m Forgiving What I’ve Done!!!

[Chorus]

What I’ve Done
Forgiving What I’ve Done

*sigh*

I've decided that I'm not gonna compete for your time/attention anymore...its just...pointless...if you want to talk to me I'm here...if not then...ok...know that I'm thinking about you and I'm probably worried about you...I really care...but I can't keep doing this when I'm never really sure how things are or whatever...I know that sound selfish...but there it is.

2008-03-11T22:40:00.002-04:00

blah

I feel like I should be really mad right now...so I'm just gonna cuss in Russian.

blah blah blah blah!!!

totally random

2008-03-10T00:45:00.003-04:00

someday

Five Iron Frenzy

Unseen future

tired

Flow

colors

Dreams

Voltaire