Let me start by saying that I was going to go through and remove lot of the old posts on here but I couldn't bring myself to do it. So they shall remain. Just know that I have changed a lot of the past couple of years that I have posted on this blog. Maybe they will give you some insight into who I am and what my past looks like. Anyway. This is the post I wrote for tonights blog...
There are always things that need to be spoken. There are always going to be truths that are left unsaid but the question is, can you live with them in your head?
I always say its that you have changed but...could it really be that I changed and you stayed the same? Sadly the answers stay with you and we no longer speak.
Moving was the best thing I could have done. I managed to out run my ghosts - but I also abandoned the small shreds of happiness that I still had. I have to be honest, I am not always the happiest person and I am depressed sometimes. I do get lonely and I do get clingy but over all I am happy with my life right now. I have goals now that I didn't have, I know where I want to be in 5 years. I want my life to count for something, even if that something is gone the day after I die. I want to know that I made a difference in someones life even if its just my own.
There are point of my life from before that I want back. I had thought they were lost to me. Part of a painful past I was perfectly happy to leave smothered and suppressed. But I am realizing that I can't move on with my life until I come to terms with the past. Much of it still hurts and I still cry sometimes but thats ok. I don't need closure. I just need to accept it as part of who I aam and what has shaped me - for the better or worse - into who I am today. I can't control what happens to me and I can't predict the future but I can control how I respond. I don't want to live as a hermit and I don't want to live life waiting for it to fall in my lap. I want to live every day to its fullest. I want to learn from my past, not forget or regret it.
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