I should have just gone to work tonight. It's obvious he doesn't want me around. I'm sorry my head and neck and shoulder have hurt for a month now. You think I butcher all the time you don't know the half of it. You ain't heard me bitch. And I don't have a fucking attitude. I can fucking show you an attitude. You always assume you know everything but you don't. And you wonder why I don't tell you shit. You wonder why u think you are always mad at me. Thanks for showing me your real self.

I feel like crying. I'm not a cry baby. Just lonely and missing my friends and family. I can explain this emptiness inside. I don't know how to describe the way I am feeling. I wish someone understood. Oh well

Its nights like tonight when I wish I wasn't so far from home. My sweet baby sister was asked out tonight. I feel so left out of their lives. I might as well be disowned or something.


Oh well.

I miss my family.





The End.

To live life to the fullest...

Let me start by saying that I was going to go through and remove lot of the old posts on here but I couldn't bring myself to do it. So they shall remain. Just know that I have changed a lot of the past couple of years that I have posted on this blog. Maybe they will give you some insight into who I am and what my past looks like. Anyway. This is the post I wrote for tonights blog...

There are always things that need to be spoken. There are always going to be truths that are left unsaid but the question is, can you live with them in your head?
I always say its that you have changed but...could it really be that I changed and you stayed the same? Sadly the answers stay with you and we no longer speak.
Moving was the best thing I could have done. I managed to out run my ghosts - but I also abandoned the small shreds of happiness that I still had. I have to be honest, I am not always the happiest person and I am depressed sometimes. I do get lonely and I do get clingy but over all I am happy with my life right now. I have goals now that I didn't have, I know where I want to be in 5 years. I want my life to count for something, even if that something is gone the day after I die. I want to know that I made a difference in someones life even if its just my own.
There are point of my life from before that I want back. I had thought they were lost to me. Part of a painful past I was perfectly happy to leave smothered and suppressed. But I am realizing that I can't move on with my life until I come to terms with the past. Much of it still hurts and I still cry sometimes but thats ok. I don't need closure. I just need to accept it as part of who I aam and what has shaped me - for the better or worse - into who I am today. I can't control what happens to me and I can't predict the future but I can control how I respond. I don't want to live as a hermit and I don't want to live life waiting for it to fall in my lap. I want to live every day to its fullest. I want to learn from my past, not forget or regret it.

I hate looking into your eyes and seeing the loathing. I cant take the self hatred and guilt you pile on. Just blame me and go on with life. I am used to that. Its ok. I am trying to show you that I am ok. I dont understand why you arent. Maybe I am childish or sold out to the devil but I really dont see that it was wrong. If you feel as though it was then ok. But people make mistakes. We all have to learn to move on. I said I am sorry and I am. Not because of what we did but because it ended this way. Please try not to hate yourself. Know I love you and always will

I give up.

I hate crying.

I hate people that have to argue all the time.

I hate people that have no respect for other people or their backgrounds.

I hate people that live their lives completely oblivious to everyone else around them.

I hate being here.

I hate people that act like they know what they are talking about when they don't.

I hate crying.

I give up.